The Conference of Diocesan Priests of India
Latest News  :
Most Rev. Udumala Bala, Chairman of CCBI Commission for VSCR gets another term of Office  |  New Secretary General for CCBI - Most Rev. Anil Joseph Thomas Couto  |  New Vice President for CCBI - Most Rev. George Antonysamy  |  Venue: Gianodaya Pastoral Centre, Jalandhar  |  XVII National Conference of Diocesan Priests in India - 2019  |  New President for CCBI - Most Rev. Filipe Neri Ferrao  |  Date: February 26th Afternoon to March 1st Evening, 2019  |  New President for FABC - Cardinal Charles Maung Bo of Yangon Archdiocese

In Lighter Veins

 

1. We’ll take 10

   Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."

  The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"

  And the Lord says, "Rules for living."

  "Can you give us an example?"

  God says, "Thou shalt not kill."

  "Not kill? We're not interested."

  So God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."

  The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."

  "Not steal? We're not interested."

  Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."

  The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."

  And the French were not interested.

  God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."

  "Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"

  "They're free."

  "We'll take 10."

 

 

2. At the Sunday School

    The Sunday School teacher was describing that when Lot's wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt, when Bobby interrupted. "My mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced, "and she turned into a telephone pole."

Another Sunday School teacher said to her children, "We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is?" Tommy blurted out, "I know, Aces."

 

After explaining the commandment to honor your father and mother, a Sunday School teacher asked her class if there was a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters.

 

One boy, the oldest in his family, immediately answered, "Thou shalt not kill."

 

Lot again... A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt."
 

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

 

 

3. Nope, I am not afraid

    A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

 Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

      The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

      "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

      "Nope, sure I’m not," said the man.

      "Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

      "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

      "Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" Persisted Satan.

      "Yep," was the calm reply.

      "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

      "Nope."

      More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

      The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

 

 

4. Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins

•  Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.

•  All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annual Christmas Sing-alone."

•  Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

•  For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

•  The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

•  This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

•  Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

•  Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.

•  Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

•  This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

•  The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.

•  Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

•  The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

•  A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

•  At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.

•  Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

•  Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

•  "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

•  The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

•  Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

•  Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

•  The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."

•  Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

•  Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

•  Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

•  Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

•  The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

•  The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

•  Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.

•  The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7:00 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

•  Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

•  The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

•  The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.

•  Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."

•  The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

•  Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community.

•  The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.

•  Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? With hymns from a full choir.

•  Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

•  Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

•  Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

•  This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

•  Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

•  The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

 

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